America Peals

I would like to introduce you to my new sober living sponsor/coach, Elaine. Those who have seen me at the gym  know I don’t wear the cute yoga outfits. And, I am fairly certain, some of you may have even thought,”Oh, this poor broad, probably just rolled out of bed in her terry cloth (cotton-poly mix) robe with her bottle or ripple in hand.”

I don’t drink. I just look that way because when I go to CrossFit, I have business to take care of. It has been a little over three weeks since I began this blog. A new nude photo is coming of me for you all to bear witness to my corporeal progress.

Back to Elaine, if you don’t know her, just follow the word “fuck” at the box. If that does not work look for the chic that looks like she could take you down in a back alley with her bare hands. I approached Elaine for the her exuberant esprit de coer as well as her bad ass ways. This broad and I speak the same language: Tough love. What won me over was her FaceBook quote, “Always practice over and over whatever you suck at!”

I am a little scared of her. When she calls, she doesn’t say hello. She heads straight to business. “Why are you in bed? You have time to nap when you are six feet under.”

Elaine also MADE me Paleo meals to get by this weekend. She directed me, despite my back being sore, to come to CrossFit and absorb the positive energy. Cue the word, FUCK, 21 times. Elaine was blazing through some WOD and had the time to direct me to use an ab mat and demonstrate some light stretching for back. Then, she did 15 box jumps.  At the end of the WOD, Elaine and I spoke for a bit, and she was just plain engaging. She actually MADE me Paleo meals to get through the weekend. She aslo proffered the 2009 Fall Edition of the The Harvard Public Health Review which discussed the salt and sugar epidemic as related to obesity.

One dish was chicken with all sorts of peppers, onions and mushrooms. The seasoning was outrageously flavorful. The second dish was a stick to you bones, turkey chili. There was some red sauce and I will have to ask Elaine how she did that. Lesson for the beginning of the week: Ask the universe what you need. It will conspire to help you. (Ok. Shame on me. I am quoting from The Secret but I really, wholeheartedly believe in that. And, maybe that is why I am unemployed and living in my 60 year old parents basement in a room with no natural light.)

Allow me to share our email exchanges:

Elaine, Ok. So, I think this week, I have to do the cleanse I should have done the first week in the paleo challenge. I was also thinking to make this fun, if you have time and don’t mind a comic/writer pestering you, we could do a video of giving me a paleo lecture. Is there any web/social media shit I can do for you, in exchange for you being my mentor? Totally serious. And, again, just to repeat/ask everything you do and say will be recorded on my blog unless noted. I already have you quote about “How do you make gravy less lumpy? Diet Coke? (hands up in the air). Water, honey, water.” -Amanda

Amanda: Nooooooooooo….it’s “how do you fix lumpy gravey”….with diet coke or “Water”!!! You are too funny. By all means I am not the Paleo Queen, but I am having a hard time with this also. But I am making all the good food extremely accessible. Like…that’s all I have in the house and alot of it. o.k., breakfast should be 2 whole eggs and an apple, start with that….I think the earlier in the day you eat and not wait, wait, wait, the better off you will be. Look…it’s real simple, the OLDER you get the harder it is to take the weight off. I see me fitting into those leather pants before you and I hate leather pants. -Elaine

Elaine,you rock! Thank you so much for this food. I am truly grateful. I am dead serious. I want leather pants for new years. And, I want to be well on my way to becoming an athlete again.-Amanda

Beals, pick up the fricken phone . yes it does work…..no joke.. I’m slathering myself with it (WD40-google it readers) now. I’m in bed. Call u when I get out of crossfit if I don’t see you there.-Elaine

I would like to end this post with a quote from Charles Barkley when asked years ago about his weight gain: I am too good looking to be this fat. Now, if only Barkely could settle those Casino fines.

Post Script: Elaine just called. She told me to get my blogging ass out of the basement. Ay, Ay, Captain, my Captain.