America Peals

Happy New Year one and all!!!

I am writing from the the hearth of a cozy condo at Smuggler’s Notch in Vermont. It is about 5 p.m. and I have been skiing since 11 a.m…on Mogul Mouse. Now, you haters, don’t be jealous because I do only what you dream. I spent the better portion of 4 hours on Mogol Mouse. And, I have to be honest, I crushed the four year olds on Mouse. Crushed them. They didn’t see my breath taking snow plows and “pizza” moves.

Of course, I am lying. Not about being on Mogul mouse but about the four year olds. They kicked snow ass!!!

The day started off with my friend Stacey taking me to get rentals and being my normal self, I thought I haven’t skied in 8 years, I will be fine. I will be awesome. I will rock the mountain like Patsy and Edwina did in Ab Fab. Enter stage left, high irony. I no sooner get my skis on and push off, I am ass over teakettle and think a bone is visible in my Burton snowpants. I am screaming.  S  is not.  ”Get up.” “I think a bone is breaking.” ” Amanda, get up.” “I can’t…are you mad at me? ” I am not mad, I will be mad if you give up.”

DAMN THOSE WORDS.

I took a few more tumbles and my friend, thankfully, with the patience of Mother Theresa, helped me find my ski legs. However, she went to the Double Black Diamond. I went back to Mogul Mouse.

As I got on the lift by my lonesome for my singular run, I mused as I looked at the cardboard bear waving to me as I ascended. So cute. I also took great delight in watching adults take great spills. Schadenfreude.

So, I got a few runs in and felt pretty good.  Thats when things got funny. It was one p.m. and Kids Lessons began.

While in line for Mogul Mouse, a young instructor asked me if I was single. I thought that’s an odd, inappropriate question for a ski queue. The young instructor wanted to see if I would I would take up a small student on the lift b/c she had too many. I agreed.

The instructor pushed a young, towheaded boy, Liam, my way. As Liam and I got into the ski lift, he acknowledges that he is four years old. I tell him I am one hundred years old. He smiled. We chat a bit about Afghanistan and people we both know who have had their homes foreclosed. I feel comfortable with Liam so I let him know that I am a beginner and am impressed that he doesn’t even need poles. So, I ask Liam, “Liam, can you give me some advice about skiing?” He retorted, “Don’t ski with your mother.” I nodded. “I left my mother home, Liam. I get what you mean.”

On my next round, the same instructor asks if I want to take another kid up, I agree. This time Rebecca was my chair lift buddy and as of early a.m. Rebecca had just turned six. She explained that her birthday party was to be held back in Massachussets next week when all of her friends would be there. I asked her if she was a Capricorn. Rebecca replied,” I am Indian.”  Like Liam, I asked Rebecca to give me some ski advice. Rebecca replied, “Don’t put Gogurt in the freezer-it explodes.”