America Peals

Dear Readers:

On the docket this week, I have several special CrossFit posts; they need to marinate just a bit more. To set the stage, music, camera, action!

In the interim, today, I shall tell you a story. A story about Carol and Bob. My parents. First let me state, my parents are movers and shakers. No moss grows under their feet. Carol is a fiendish fashion maven who stitches and bitches her way into marvelous wares that actually are garnering attention. She was a seamstress when I was young but gave that up to play a high roller in the real estate boom on the 80’s and the subsequent bubble bursting this decade. Though not retired Carol is most happy when she is in her “art” office in the basement formally my room.

Carol watches Project Runway with religious fervor, and much like how she narrates Red Sox games (tellling Tito she could run a better offense), her guffaws can be heard from her room as she watches the heroine chic addicts concocting their fashionista messes that most likely Michael Kors will eviscerate (That piece looks like Edie Gourmet on top of the Macy’s Day Float!)

Traditionally, I hear from her room, ” Jesus. I could do that.” My father and I exchange looks then get right back to 3o Rock.

Now, Bob. Bob is a collector. A former Boston Firefighter, Bob is expert in Persian carpets, hotel silver and French naval bells. Now, when I say French Naval Bells, I mean in our back yard we have several LARGE bells that we once affixed to to gargantuan sea worthy crafts. Bob likes to display them by putting the gracefully upon cinder blocks. In addition to these bells, you will find several weathered signs from Hyannis. These signs were allegedly near the docks, the Kennedy’s used. And, as story would have it from my Bob, one signed hammered to our fence was Teddy’s personal favorite as he always tossed his drink at it when heading out to sea…Also if you ever have the pleasure of seeing our back yard it is inundated with stone animals that my father routine moves as to agitate my mother.  “Bob, did you move that owl near the Pine Tree? ”

So, like the rest of the whole fucking world, my parents are unique. Which brings me to a story my mother told me last night about an adventure she and my dad had on the Left Coast.

Bob and Carol spend 2 months every year in San Luis Obispo feeding their fashion and collectors’ addiction.

Carol aske me last night, “You want to hear something mortifying your father and I did?  I said yes immediately because I need money. But, I then thought, my mother normally does not engage in mortifying behavior. My dad is a magnet for all things strange but he too is not strange in and of himself. Do ask him if you meet him about his coffee kvetch with Jonathan Winters in Santa Barbara. Little fact I did not know: Jonathan Winters was both a comic (Mork and Mindy for the neophytes) and an artist. The bizarre twist is that Winters did a collection of paintings on Boston’s initial attempts at integrated busing….

My mom decided a few days ago that she needed to buy an antique mannequin to have in her sewing studio. She needed the mannequin for draping and fitting purposes. She also opined that an antique one would be an excellent way to photograph her works for her website. So, she sends Bob out in the a.m. to go look for a mannequin at some antique shops in San Luis Obispo. She quickly receives intel from Bob that store A has a perfect specimen, come down and take a look.

So, when my mother arrived at the store, the two women running it, giggle. They said, “You are REALLY Bob’s wife.” Apparently, my dad was instructed by Carol to look for mannequins with double jointed at the legs (or something like that). Either way he knew what that  meant. However, one enormous problem presented itself in order to see if the leg were properly screwed, my dad would have to lift up the gingham sundress of the blonde mannequin to see. Sheepishly, he asks the clerks, in his heavy Boston accent: I know this may sound creepy but I need to see if these limbs are double jointed. My wife is a designer. So, do you mind if I lift her dress up?”