America Peals

Please indulge me. Watch these videos before reading my prose.

AND

I remember the commercials for the 18 Playtex bra from my days as a gawky, Golden Girls fanclub president. At that time,  I was wearing for two years only, a cotton bra from the tweens section at Calverts, a functional white bra with spaghetti straps. By 7th grade, at 4″10, I exploded into a mammory behemoth. And, nothing sucks more, than growing up in a 90201 self-conscious community, trying to keep a low profile when your breasts enter a room before your body does. It appears as if your more lithe athletic frame is saying, “Goddamn, you boobs. We are putting in over time to support this leaning tower of Pisa.”

It goes without saying, big boobs at a young age portend a adult life in trailer, raising hairless rats and marrying a man named Earl.

Enter stage left, the wire bra.  As my mother did all the feminine shopping, I saw no need to go with her to buy bras. It would eviscerate me. I would die of embarrasment. Buying a bra and announcing to the world, I have breasts that need wire and I am 12 years old is be akin to saying that I am destined to be a showgirl down in Rhode Island at Foxy’s where Maugh Vaughn frequented.

Carol purchased my bras at Filene’s basement and given that I refused to be sized, my selection of 12 year old bras varied. Inevitably, the straps were the width of duct tape (the duct tape one uses to jerryrig a broken sail boat) and I always had Hedy Lamar cleavage revealing itself as two grapefruits strapped in curved wire against my ill fitting Benneton Rugby.

Fast forward 20 years later, I wear bras that fit, separate and lift. However, one thing still perplexes me. WHAT EXATLY IS AN 18 HOUR BRA? The commericials leads you to believe it is this fanciful item. Sex appeal and feminity will be yours…at last. And, oh my, the plus size WILL HAVE LACE. Be still my beating heart!

Now, we know that some media-forward (oh so feminist) NY ad agency is spending millions of Playtex’s ample budget to woo every  plus size girl hungry (pardon the awful pun) that the 18 Hour Bra will spontaneously change your life.

My beef  with Playtex is trollish title of the bra: 18 Hours. What is the significance of 18 hours? First, who wears a bra for 18 hours? I don’t think I am even awake 18’s hours in a full day. Secondly,  18 sounds harsh, like at hour 17:59, you will feel your tah tahs begin to tremble and BOOM! You bra turns to stone. Or, the bra rolls off of you like a mad pair of spanks, tells you to F’Off for making it carry a hefty load all day. Then the bra follows to the ground, opens a pack of Camels and smokes.

I want my size bras to be portrayed commercially as follows: